I'm procrastinating.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, in my head.

I'm weary.

You are here, with open arms.

will You leave? will I lose You?

no.

You are freaking always there. All the time.

With Yourself- being perfect in love and the infinitely multiplied version of all the goodness I see in other people as "in Your image.." Always ready. for anyone.

I just have to get up. for You. and I will be taken places I have never gone before..

by and with You.

^(B) Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby^(C) some have entertained angels unawares.

-Hebrews 13:2

I think I may have met some angels. Just seems like they're there to test you out, make sure you're on the right track, and make you either succeed or fail in all the interactions with this person. Or would this be the devil? hmm. I can't tell. I wish I'd know.

Also- because some amazing people just fly right into my life. that's another way of thinking about angels.

One more assignment

and then I'm done with BTST... foweva! (my "religion" requirement to graduate college)

I'm taking a break :)

old lemonade makes my tummy feel funny. that's not cool.

I'm living in a quad by myself. Big room, with pretty much nothing inside, haha..quite lonely, yes.

I'm procrastinating more than ever. I have time to do that, so I guess might as well, right? It'll get done, I hope.

less than two weeks of summer! noooo... don't go.. it was a productive, flowing, eventful, interesting summer.  My emotions were places, my mental being was places, I went places as well, and though I don't know if I grew as a person, I know I've moved from one space to the next--- somewhere.

BUT- summer's not OVER yet. woooo hooooo!

It smells fruity by the dorms.. the trees nearby are fruiting fruit. It's a good smell. But not so much with Malt-O-meal air.

I learned the numa numa song on the ukulele. toshiya's back, so I've learned some new guitar chord too. yaaaaaaaay :D

I walk by the empty tennis courts everyday. I feel like I should play soon..

Life is too good. I don't understand. someone's gonna slap me in the face soon and tell me to get off my butt and start working like a slave toward something I shoulda been working at for the past good years.  I often feel this way, and I know it's wrong... Well, it's bound to happen, I wouldn't be surprised, and would face anything God throws at me, but He wouldn't throw stuff at me because I previously had a comfortable life, it'd be because it's time for it to happen.  It's part of the grand ol' plan.

Okay, time to face my last essay. BREAK!

I want to know you more than anything, a world that surrounds me, I live in everyday; Doesn't compare to knowing you..you take me places I've never been before, you show me visions only you can give; I love it when you speak to me..

I want to know you, I love to know you. Everything else I count as loss.. I want to know you, I love to know you. No matter what the cost..

The cost is nothing compared to knowing you...

-Micah Tawlks Band-

These words get me in the dwelling in God mood. it's this ecstasy, that gets me smiling and I can't stop it.. almost scary.  I wish I was always genuine when I ask for God. There should be a motive behind everything, and sometimes I can't find the bad ones that seem to be there in secret.  Why would I desire to desire God? So I can feel fulfillment in my life? or because I actually need it, the pure righteousness of God that doesn't naturally occur in humans, need to be good according to the scriptures? the thing is though, I never feel forced to approach this light once i see it, but I don't seek it if it's not in my sight.  So growing up being told that God will help me through life and make it all better without making it better per se, maybe a good thing to have in my head as a struggling Christian.  It all makes sense, just in my head...

When I attempt to get into deep conversations with friends I know are not Christians, I first bring up my boy stories. Sad.  Is that all I have other than my walk in Christ- things that affect my emotions the most? I just need to find more things to talk about with them to engage into conversation. and the status of what they know about me and boys is how they know "how I am doing" and that is ABSURD. I need to be able to respond to their care towards me with appropriate depictions that will help describe how I "am" not just "I'm ok" or "fine".

My life is so shameful. I can already see the guilt and regret that'll come over me in a few decades.

I'm good at getting myself on my feet, and also good at making myself go down. I'm mentally self efficient on my self esteem. I just need to look up more often and find there always is better than what I find here, in myself.

so i was supposed to go to grand slam...

and instead went to a family and friends' barbeque. I'm tired, and my mommy found out. anyway, it's so weird to come back to people that you kinda know.  Awkward and good for your social health. some of these kids I remember last time i saw them they couldn't speak yet.  it's not so awesome when you bring a friend of the opposite gender and they assume we're dating. not cool, but funny.  I got along very well with a 11 year old japanese girl. she talked a lot, reminded me of myself. :)

i remember when it was cool to talk to older kids. i guess it's still cool to do so, but it feels like it's more of trying to impress them of how maturely you can talk instead of the actual content.. it was cute that she was keeping on trying to find new stuff to talk about.

sometimes I can't tell the actual reason why i talk to specific people. maybe that's a good thing, like it's out of the goodness of my heart.  or maybe a bad thing, since i end up thinking during the conversation "why AM i talking to this person?!"  i guess it's good to keep in mind the ultimate reason.. to let them know someone loves them, though it may not be me (sadly).